I have this thing about failure. Call me crazy, but I just don't like to fail. When I was a little girl, I would refuse to play games. My mom can still picture me standing outside the circle at church as other kids were playing "Duck, Duck, Goose" or "Drop the Hanky". I just wouldn't put myself in that sort of humiliating situation. After all, what kind of loser cares to run around a circle just to sit down again? Why is it called amusement when there is a 99% failure rate, leaving only one person the victory which I'm quite sure received no reward. Sorry, the iced animal cookie? Not enough.
My cautious personality may be to blame, or it could be my birth order. Either way, I'm absolutely NOT a risk-taker and therefore only willing to try if I'm certain of success. I wouldn't step foot in a swimming pool until I was 5 year old. I didn't ride a roller coaster until I was in high school and forced on by mean boys who were supposed to be my friends. In college I wouldn't try for any other degree other than the one I knew I could achieve, even if it wasn't going to pay the bills without a Masters. Looking back, it's amazing to think that even at a young age I was paralyzed by the fear of letting my defiencies be revealed. I was afraid you'd see my weaknesses and therefore not accept me. I was afraid to try or I might fail.
So what saves me from this sad kind of life? Do I hide under the covers of hopelessness every day? Do I lock myself in a one-room shack of inertia? Do I live in a bubble to avoid the germs? Do I down of bottle of something strong? Do I pack my bags and run? I can't possibly be who I think I should be or pretend to be who you think I should be and succeed. I can't possibly....
Then I met Him....the God of all grace who sent His son for me....scared, weak, defeated little me. And I belong to Him. And grace is my birthright. Grace calls me to move on through life in faith. And "what grace calls you to, grace provides". (Kay Arthur) His grace is there to cover my failure and save me from despair. No matter what I've done or going to do, His grace is sufficient. No matter how hard I try, His grace will be sufficient. I will never outgrow my need for Him. I'll always need His grace. Jesus knows me, this I love.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God." Ephesians 2:8
to be continued...
