joy presents

I had a great day filled with many blessings of little joys.

One of them was visiting with my Aunt Leslie. Conversations with her are never "small talk". She knows how to get right down to it. I love that about her. She asked how I was dealing with the pain of loss I had over the summer. She asked how I could just let it go and not take it back again...

The song comes to mind...."God is so good. He's so good to me."

You know how when your child is sick or has to go to the doctor to get shots....and you hate seeing them in pain....so you promise to go get ice cream or a new toy afterwards???

That's what God does. He holds us through the pain. Then he finds little ways to give us joy.

I'm experiencing the joys right now on a daily basis. Sometimes they're harder to see if I stayed up too late the night before and I'm grumpy....but they're there. God loves me. He knows me. I hurt sometimes still....Thanksgiving was hard. I wanted to stay in bed instead of be thankful. I guess there are times when you think you've given up the pain and then try and take it back, but really it's just daily. Let it go...daily. And watch for the joy presents God gives....Being thankful really is the only way to truly let it go. I Thess. 5:18 says this is God's will for me. How much more clear does it get?

I held a baby today. My friend Mindy had a beautiful baby girl on November 3rd. We went to lunch at the beginning of our pregnancies when we were just 2 weeks apart and dreamed of what was to come. Today we went lunch again, and I got to hold her sweet Ashlyn. I was blessed. I was so at peace. I didn't cry.... ok, until now. But now I cry tears of joy thankful for the sweet little joy presents God gives me daily because I'm loved. Little ol' me. God is so good, He's so good to me.

For the JOY set before Him, Jesus endured the cross.

Hebrews 12:2

And just think.... the biggest and best joy presents are yet to come...

Shaking it off...

I've been thinking about this post for a while so bear with me as the words stumble out....maybe even a few tears.

If you don't know me very well, this might come as a shock.....but....I'm not the nurturing, compassionate type of mom. My theory when my kids fell down and skinned their knees was "oh, shake it off". Yeah....that is as sad as it looks. I guess I've been through things in life that I've personally deemed "worthy" of genuinely pouting over. I don't know why I think my assessment table is the right one. I think it's an oldest child trait, though....or so I've read.

For some reason my own theory and advice to "shake it off" isn't working. And now I come to the point of this post....I'm angry, people. My pain has turned to anger in my heart and I need to fix it now or bitterness will take root. Pain does that, doesn't it?

I was just talking about pain last night with my son. Pain, though it stinks, is an extremely necessary part of life. We talked about those living with the disease that causes them to NOT feel pain. Most boys would think this disease would be great to have....like Superman. You could put your finger in the fire and not feel the burn. The problem is that.... if you're not able to feel pain then you can't fix the problem and could end up dying (from blood loss, open skin wounds getting infected, etc.) so pain is actually a good thing. It leads us to fix the root problem and avoid what led to the pain in the first place.

*sigh* When I'm still tearing up every time I see a pregnant mom or a newborn baby, I know I haven't shaken it off. So I set out to figure it out.....What is wrong with me??? Why can I not just get over this???

I'm not so much angry at God (like I was the first time I miscarried) as I am at my body. I'm angry that it failed me, even when I did everything right. I ate the right things, avoided the right things, took my prenatal vitamins....and it still didn't work. I came to the realization that when I lost our baby this June, I rebelled against my body that failed me by eating/drinking whatever I wanted. I was angry. If I'd eaten all the right things and it still failed me, what was the point of trying... anyway? (another trait of an oldest child....fyi.)

So here I am....asking God to heal my heart. I have learned that He is the only one that can change me. I've tried it on my own....as strong as my will is (*cough*oldest child)....it still isn't strong enough to heal the pain and turn it to His good. Sunday at church , sitting with a friend who is also in the midst of pain, God showed me through her and through His word that it was time. It's time to fix this. It's time as Jamie said, "to lay it down at the cross, let go and walk away".

As I prayed that God would show me how to deal with my pain....my eyes found this....

This was in accordance with the eternal purpose which He carried out in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him. Therefore I ask you not to lose heart at my tribulations on your behalf, for they are your glory. Ephesians 3:11-13

My pain and loss was in accordance with the eternal purpose He has lined out for me already in progress. He was telling me that I can bring my brokenness to Him boldly and confidently, knowing He will take it for me and already did on the cross. Then it's like He spoke my language when He said..."I ask you not to lose heart..." ("shake it off") :) for these tribulations-- (and this is my favorite part...) THEY ARE YOUR GLORY. In other words, this is your story in which I, your Creator, the One and Only, Alpha and Omega, I, Jehovah....get the glory! You're only in the middle of the story, but it's time to turn the page. Take the next step which is just as easy as....follow me.

So my next step...

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Romans 12:1

Which led me to the desire to learn more about fasting....

"Fasting is like hitting a reset button, both physically and

spiritually. As we go about our daily lives, there are things that can build up

over time and we can start to lose our spiritual focus. Fasting is like a deep

cleaning both spiritually and physically that helps us take our minds off the

things of this world and instead gives us a fresh spiritual focus. It’s all about

drawing closer to God."

This is from a fasting guide for YOUTH. They also have one for kids....which is wonderful! I have bookmarked the devotional guide for adults. If you are looking for a great way to end 2010 or begin 2011...this is it!

I believe strongly that fasting is a personal decision between me and God, so I won't be posting the details of how and when I decide to do it. I just wanted to post my testimony.... what God's doing in my life so that you know you're not alone. Your circumstances may not be mine, but everyone deals with pain. This is my story of how God worked in mine, compassionately healed me, asked me to come boldly to His cross and "shake it off"...and led me to follow Him again from this day on.

November Grief

I took Moriah to the doctor and to walmart today.

Seeing pregnant mamas makes me sad.

I would have been ready to pop at this time.

My due date was November 21st.

Please pray for my heart when you think of me.

Thank you.

*BIG Sigh*

Today I'm paying hospital bills for a baby I didn't get to have.

Sometimes life just isn't fair.

But....

I am praising God that I can pay those bills and for answered prayers and for wisdom to do what is best for our family. Thankful for peace that passes understanding and for the promise He gives that I can hang onto....Jeremiah 29:11.

Repeat after me...."hope and a future.....hope and a future....hope and a future....".

So, here's to new plans (that weren't my plans) for a fabulous, fun-filled fall. Who's with me?!

Dwelling in Peace

I loved this bed....It's a picture of my temporary place until I return to my true home for eternity of being able to talk with Jesus and rest in His arms. He provides times of rest for us because in this world we will have trouble...He allows times of trouble so we will learn to trust Him and He provides the grace to keep trusting Him even when we don't understand....

The hardest part of the day since last Friday is bedtime. For the past month I'd been adjusting to sleeping on my side again. Being able to sleep on my tummy is a most vivid reminder. I cried out to God many times.  He spoke quietly through my tears over and over again.  I soon realized through many loving reminders from His Word and His voice that I was being selfish and prideful to think I had a mind that could understand the ways of God. (Psalm 8)  His will is always what I pray for, and yet in this particular time in life I don't agree with Him?  
I've learned  that t
rusting Him, (though not easy) has come easier during this time than it was back in 2006.  I can praise Him for that because I know Him more.  He's been faithful to bring us through so much since then.  Life is short, and for this small moment of mourning in mine, I choose to look past my own small view of what I think the future should look like and praise God for what He has in store.  Morning by morning new mercies I see, all I have needed thy Hand hath provided, Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.

Then as I'm counting my blessings, I turn over to see this....

I will lie down and sleep in peace,for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4:8

But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, You are my God, My times are in Your hands...

Psalm 31:14-16

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phil. 4:7

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5

R & R in AR

On Monday, the girls and I took a 6 hour drive to Arkansas and met up with Luke, my brother & his family and my parents. It was a relaxing home just for pastor's families to retreat.

We ate a lot, played games, watched movies, read books and occasionally left the home to see the Ozark mountains. One day we took a drive into Little Rock and went to the zoo to feed the fish...

and ride on the "choo choo"...

We ate at one of our favoritest places ever... (Chickfila)

We enjoyed relaxing and resting with some of our favoritest people ever... (Aunt Stephanie in this particular moment)

Thank you God for providing places of rest, just when we need it most.

God's Words to me today

I've been using a wonderful bible study book by Anne Graham Lotz, that digs deep "Into God's Word". I'll share later some of the scriptures that I'd been studying in preparation for Thursdays sad news, but today I'm in awe again of His faithfulness to meet me right where I am.

The question came after a study in Daniel about "Rack, Shack & Benny's" adventure being thrown into the fire by mean King Neb:

"What does God promise when you go through disaster, disease, disappointment and difficulty? Give phrases from the following verses:

• Psalm 23:4 ~ He is with me. He comforts me.
• Isaiah 43:1-2 ~ Remember that it's Me, Jehovah, the One who created you and formed you. Don't be afraid. I have you. You are mine. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
• Deut. 31:6-8 ~ "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for [I AM] with you; [I] will never leave you nor forsake you....I MYself go before you and will be with you....do not be discouraged."
• Joshua 1:9 ~ "Be strong and courageous...Do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
• Jeremiah 1:8 ~ "Do not be afraid...I'll be right there, looking after you." MSG
• Psalm 139:7-12 & 17-18 ~ He is with me and thinks of me...LOTS.
• Zephaniah 3:17 ~ (one of my faves) "The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Please don't tell me I have faith in an impersonal God that isn't real and doesn't care. He speaks clearly and compassionately to me, knowing exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I thank God for friends He speaks through, as well.

Today I got up and went into Wichita to do an errand with Brad, then went and got a pedicure, and now I'm snuggling with Moriah. She's waiting patiently to watch Elmo on youtube, so thank you for your prayers. I wouldn't be doing this well without them, and without believing this God who loves me is with me, weeping with me and "rejoicing over me with singing."

Another Miscarriage

As the doctor searched for a heartbeat during my regularly scheduled 18 week appointment today, I prayed.....Lord, please let him find that heartbeat, but I'll praise You if he does and I'll praise You if he doesn't.

He didn't. And neither did the 2 excruciating sonograms taken afterward.

I go tomorrow for the surgery. Answering my 12 year olds questions like, "Mom, where do they put the baby after they take it out?" and "Can you ask them if it was going to be a girl or a boy?"

Praising my God for another life I'll get to meet in heaven, and the 3 beautiful healthy ones that did arrive as scheduled. Don't understand why my body doesn't always work, but I know God has me in His hand and knows the end from the beginning. So...

I'm ok.

Sweeter

A few months ago we got some new flooring done in our house. We started out just wanting tile in our kids' bathroom and ended up getting not only ceramic tile in both bathrooms and our kitchen, but wood floors throughout our living, dining and hallways, and new carpet in the playroom! (It's like we have a new house!) A man in our church did them with his company and they did a great job! This man is hilarious! He's this real man's man....gruff, loud, blunt & full of testosterone, you can tell! He kind of growls when he talks, especially to his employees when he came to check on the work they were doing in our house.

So I called him the other day to pay off the floors. I hadn't talked to him in a while and he asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine and getting better every day. And then the most unexpected thing came out of his mouth, so much that it took my breath away. From this big, gruff man came the words...

"Well, it's just gonna make heaven a little bit sweeter!"

My heart welled up into my face, and I agreed with difficulty as I choked back tears..."Yes, heaven will be a little sweeter."

"Pleasant words are like honey. They are sweet to the spirit and bring healing to the body."
Proverbs 16:24

Healing

I took the kids to a dollar movie today (actually, it was $.50)...."Ice Age 2". The kids laughed their little heads off. I put on some make-up (which was a welcome sight for all!) and even made dinner for the first time in weeks. Up until today, I've had some major bad cramps, so I haven't felt like talking to anyone on the phone, and honestly, just haven't felt like talking about it at all. (I hope you will call back soon, if it was you.) It's just hard to try to respond to everyone, plus I just don't have the words.... "ding, ding, ding"....the name of my blog....how appropriate.

Words that come to mind for this moment: Faith, Hope, Love, Peace, Comfort. All of these things are good. All testaments to what a great and loving God we have. Things I can hold onto in this world, knowing my God is in control, for only He could provide such good things.

So how am I doing?

I'm glad to be moving on with life.

I'm trusting that His mercies will be new each morning.

I'm healing.

Letting Go

Last night I was laying in bed and worrying about money. How stupid a thing to worry about, after all the provision we've been given. And yet....once again, I am worrying. A thought came to mind of something I had heard the week I found out I was pregnant. Our church had a ladies retreat, and the speaker talked about taking our fears (which is the root of worry) to God. She actually had us put IN our hand the fear that we had, and lift it up to God. At that time, I took my hand, placed it on my belly where my baby was developing and then handed it to God. I had forgotten I had done that until just last night.

God was reminding me that everything I've ever had, was already His to begin with. I struggle to let Him have my most prized possessions daily. I kind of become my own God, assuming ownership of all the things I see around me, and guarding them with my life, as if I have all the control in the universe. My kids are not my own. They're only here for a short moment, to love, teach, and share life with, and then soon, they'll go on. They'll have to live life without me beside them, controlling each moment of their day. The more I remember to give them to God now, the easier it will be to let go as they grow up.....and away.

I'm finding it easier to trust God's plan with each passing day. I'm more aware of what precious gifts I've been given in my 2 healthy, adorable children. I'm cherishing the time I'm planning to spend with them this summer, just having fun. I'm finding myself once again....so so very blessed to have so many that love me, comfort me and pray for me. You are how God shows me His great love. Thank you.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." I Corinthians 1:3-7

Sadness

My heart is broken. I have a hole inside that will take much time to heal. A child I never knew came inside and started to form and left before we could know him. I went for a normal monthly check-up Wednesday and there was no heartbeat. Brad was at the airport in San Diego when I told him. He caught an earlier flight back.

In many ways I've felt God's presence telling me He's still here. He still loves me. He still wants me to trust Him. I can't tell you that I'm not angry with Him. I feel more than a little hurt. But, I know He knows the BIG picture and His Word tells us to give thanks, even in things we don't understand and bring pain. I know I will be okay and I will learn to trust Him through this, so that I will trust Him more than I have before. I know these things.....still, I am overwhelmed with sadness. Each day will get better. Each breath will be easier.

"Weeping may last for a moment, but joy comes in the morning." Ps. 30:5

This is how I know God exists and He dwells within me, loving me, comforting me, and speaking to me in my language.....These are the words of a song I have sung before, that have been going through my head many times since Wednesday. I have not sung this song as a solo for at least 5 years.

"You can trust Me.
Though you can't see.
You can trust Me.
The way may be steep.
You can trust Me.
Let me lead.
Trust Me."

Baby: Week 9

I haven't gotten sick at all. I feel nauceous at times when I really need to eat, but that always solves it. When people ask me how I'm feeling, and I tell them "I feel great!", the next question is usually, "How did you feel with your last two?" and I tell them that I was sick a lot more often with both of them. The expressions I get when I say that are concerning me. I guess you're supposed to feel the same with all pregnancies and yet, this one has been different. The funny thing is.... I have prayed that this one would be different, and that I would feel great all the way through! I have prayed that a lot since I first found out I was expecting.

So why don't I just trust that God is answering my prayer, instead of worrying that something may be wrong?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Prov. 3:5

My own understanding is so warped and limited that I don't know why I'd even try to go there. Yet, worrying runs in my family. I think it's come down from a long chain of worry-ers, so I'm not sure how easy it would be to break it. In fact, if I let go of worry, then what would I do? I think that's a bit careless. I think I need more control over situations than that. I think it might leave me thinking there's more I need to be doing here. If I let go of worry, I might actually be able to sit down and relax for more than a minute, because I might actually be FREE to BREATHE, without having to make a list in order to not forget to do so!

Okay, I'm exaggerating a little on how much I worry. I really am more laid back than some worry queens I know. (You know who you are.) I just think it's silly that I'd trust more in my own understanding sometimes than I do the God who created this life inside of me. How can I possibly argue with the Father of Life, Elohim, creator of this world and every living thing in it? How is it that one minute I'm praying for something, and when I actually get it, I'm worrying that there must be something wrong? Oh, me of little faith.

So I'll be working on trusting God with ALL my heart and completely letting go of my own understanding (of which there is obviously little) and just breathing....for two.

Deep thoughts from the late 80's by Michael W. Smith: Pray for me, and I'll pray for you.

Baby Stuff: Week 7

I'm still not quite grasping the fact that I will have a baby again....and yet my pooching belly is telling me otherwise. I can't believe I'm only 7 weeks and I already feel poochy! I've heard that with every pregnancy, it comes a little sooner, but this is ridiculous! I'm eating so healthy, too. Enough about that. You'll have to see for yourself.

I saw a lady in the bathroom with a tiny baby boy. She had to set him down, pull down the baby-changing table, get out all the stuff.....I got tired just watching her. That's going to be me, in about 7 months. Oh my goodness.

Today's my birthday. Woopdeedoo. All I wanted was breakfast in bed. I got burnt cinnamon rolls instead. (That would be cute, IF my kids had made them, but Brad did, so it's not.)

I feel like Eeyore today. I love Eeyore. He's so humble and blue. I think I'll go shopping for some maternity clothes to make me feel better.....or not. That can't possibly make sense. But they are a lot cuter than they were in the days of Grace....(2000). Thank You God for Old Navy. Come back next time, I'll try to be less Eeyoreish.

Baby: 6 Weeks

We went to our first OB visit, and got a sonogram. It was the sweetest little dot you've ever seen! The nurse pointed out that it would flicker slowly at times and that was the heartbeat. The most amazing thing was that she said "it probably just started beating about 8 to 10 hours ago". How cool is that?!!?!!! We were both in awe at how that life God began is developing in His time, and we actually have the technology to know about it.

God's idea became a heartbeat and soon it will have a name. Praise God for knowing the end from the beginning! Here is a song by Chris Tomlin that we are singing at church on Sunday. It speaks my heart.

Indescribable, Uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God.
All powerful, Untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees and we humbly proclaim,
You are amazing God.

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go,
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light,
Yet conceals it to give us the coolness of night?
None can fathom...

Incomparable, Unchangeable,
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same.
You are amazing God.

Baby Update: 5 Weeks

The smell of peanut butter makes me nauceous. I feel the need to lie down much more frequently these days. My blood count says my pregnancy hormones are going up, up, up! I have taken blood every 3 or 4 days (this was new to me) and I'll find out the results of another today.

The news is out! I told my friends at our Women's Retreat this weekend, and they told all of the ladies there. The common question we hear is "How did you have time to do that?" (since we just finished Passion Play) "We have no idea." is the answer. We're more shocked than anyone!

We're especially shocked at how excited we are! I feel like God reached down and gave us a surprise kiss on the cheek. We had no idea we'd be this happy. We talked about names the other night, but we're not going to tell until he/she comes. I think we have a girl name, but not a boy's yet.

Thank you for praying!

BABY COMING

.....NEW YEAR'S EVE 2006!!!!!!

On Tuesday, I decided to pick up a pregnancy test since I was 3 days late....and I'm never late! So I did, and WOW!!! (I freaked out!) So I took 2 more just in case the first one was a fluke! They all said the same thing: Positively Pregnant! I even went to the Dr. to get a blood test, and once more....positive! WOW!!!! (I'm still not sure all of this is really happening. I guess that's why we have 9 months!)

No, we were NOT planning this, but have been on the same b.c. method since Grace, so for over 5 years this has worked until God just said....there ya go!

When I told Brad, I was soooo nervous! I thought he would be more anxious than he was, but he just said, "Well, this must be what God wants for us, so we're blessed!" Another WOW!!!!

We told the kids last night! I knew Luke had always said we didn't need any more, when Grace would ask if we could have a baby sister or brother, so I wasn't surprised at Luke's reaction. He was mostly worried that we would ignore him and not have enough attention to go around, plus he just doesn't enjoy change at all. Grace, on the other hand, immediately began pulling up my shirt and talking to the baby! :) She's extremely excited and now that we're talking more about it, I think Luke is, too! Luke wants a brother, and Grace wants a sister. Luke thinks it will have blond hair and Grace thinks it will be brown. Grace wants me to start buying clothes for her that will match the baby's. She can't wait to tell her friends and teachers!

So....as my friends and family and readers of my thoughts....I am asking that you will please pray for this miracle inside me. Pray for the baby every day as it grows. I want to cover this child in prayer every step of the way. I am going to do my part to stay healthy and strong and I am going to be praying as well. Thank you and stay tuned! :)

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb....My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16